I normally don’t write things off the cuff (which is why it takes so long for me to make posts) but I needed to get some things off my chest this morning. This is what blogs are for, right?
My husband had a falling out with his daughter last night and the repercussions are affecting our whole family. When things like this happen, he retreats into within himself and lashes out at everyone around him, rightly or wrongly. He makes comments that he doesn’t want anything done for him (food, laundry, basic necessities), that he wants to be left alone. I know this is depression stemming from issues that he has not addressed in his past, particularly involving his children. As his wife, it’s hard to remember that and not take it personally when you feel that your love and your trust in your spouse is under attack.
I am leaving on a trip for the weekend and he barely acknowledged me as I walked out the door, buried in his own dark hole. You can imagine how my heart broke when this happened. The last thing you want when you are traveling half-way across the country is to feel like your love doesn’t have your back while you are away. I cried for about 30 seconds this morning and then pushed it aside, knowing that he is hurt and angry not at me, but at himself and where he is at the moment.
As a sufferer of anxiety and depression myself, I empathize with what he’s going through. I’ve been on medication since last September and it has come a long way in helping me deal with the chemical imbalances. Now I am working on changing my thinking patterns. My new-found faith has helped, so has writing in my journal, and, of course, regular therapy sessions. What I fail to do sometimes is give myself patience for working through the worst of times.
The difference between my husband and me is that when he gets depressed, it manifests as anger, lashing out, then retreating until he feels like he has his shit together. For me, since most of my depression lies in feelings of failure and incompetence, I cry and cower and seek reassurance that I really am a good person, that people still love me.
Depression is a sneaky bastard of a chameleon. It never manifests itself in the same way and it grabs you when you least expect it. Finding the right combination of coping skills – medication, therapy, etc. – is the best way to fight back.
Rania on the Run 